The new year ushers in death and life. Redemption and grace. Tears and joy. Heartache and peace. I could keep going on and on. This year has been ushered in with a whole lot of pain. I am sitting here in my grandparent's living room after spending most of my day at hospice in OR.
Our family has traveled up here to say goodbye to my Aunt who is dying of cancer. She is only fifty eight and will be leaving her husband and two sons. Aunt April has lived a life full of joy and love, I can't remember a time when I saw a frown on her face. Sitting by her side and hold her hand breaks my heart, she is far too young. But we have all been praying that God would take her peacefully in her sleep with no pain. The cancer has reached her important organs and has visually worn on her body. She may be only fifty eight but she looks much older. After spending hours in her hospice room, I wonder what death would be like. How much pain is she going through? In mind and body. She can't move and can barely sleep. We whisper in her ear and hold her hand, we hope that she knows how much we love her.
This isn't the first time I've sat in a hospital room watching a body grow weaker and weaker. But every time creates a new reaction. When Dad died I was numb and heartbroken (many more emotions have followed since then). When my Great Grandfather died it was a feeling of peace, I knew he was better off in the arms of God. When my sister experienced a miscarriage I felt pain for my sister and a new sense of loss I wasn't familiar with.
I guess what I mean to say in this post is that I look at the pain that has ushered in the new year and realized that life continues to be fragile and insecure. I often think things in my life will create better stability but I am always hit with the fact that everything is out of my control. If God chooses to take some one home to Him than I have no way of changing that.
I hate feeling like things are out of my control. I want to be the one calling the shots and the one that choses my future. But I kid myself when I think I can actually do that.
This next year I will continue to fight my need to feel secure and in control. This year I will become more at peace in God's future for me. This next year I will become a more whole person because my faith is in Christ, who is the only one I can fully rely on. God is my strength and my peace, my hope and my grace, my redemption and my freedom. I am blessed to be his daughter. Life may change but God's faithfulness will never leave me.